Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in blobular's LiveJournal:

Saturday, September 8th, 2007
1:57 am	Cojones I wish I had cojones. The balls to do whatever I wanted. When I wanted. there are times that people piss me off and I wanna tell them off. They just do shit that is annoying or down right wrong, and I wish I could be like "Yo! Cut that shit out playa!" I have goals that I wanna achieve. Like to stop typing slang. LOL (oops) N-E-Wayz here are some examples I want a full time job I want to be in school I want to lose weight I want to save money I want to fix my car I want to take better care of myself I want to take care of my mother Am I doing any of this? I know the answer, let's go with a big, fat N-O! and it kills me. Wish I could just grab my balls and walk down the street holding them looking like some quashi bad ass. not really. But the connotative feeling that it has when you do hold your balls and walk down the street, is how I wanna feel. I guess hopefully I will be able to grow a pair. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
1:39 am	family... oooweee so, no bullshit, here it goes. My family sucks. I have no one in my family to turn to. They want me to be safe, but they don't care about what I do. I am right in the middle and I have no one to talk to. All of my cousins are older. like in their 30's and 40's and already have children or lived their life. The cousins in their 20's are like 28 and 25; one's in the navy and the other travels around the country. The other ones that are closer to my age they are all about each other. WHY? Cause everyone in my family is Christian. Which automatically puts me on the other side of the fence. I am segregated for being the gay kid. The one that no one likes to talk about. The one no one likes to talk to and it kills me. I didn't do anything to anyone yet I am punished for trying to be a good person. My mother has been aggravating the hell out of me. Always has something to say annoying. It bugs the hell out of me. Jonny clean this and jonny clean that is all I hear. Take me hear, take me there, do this for me. I haven't a single day to do anything I want to do for me. I devote so much of my time to other people's needs. My brother,he's always gone, we never talk. And I can't talk to him about anything anyway because he is emotionally equivalent to a potato sack. just a burlap mess. He has like no feelings and is totally not sensitive to anything at all. We just can't confide in each other. So I have to make a new family with my friends. And I love the friends I've chosen. They are so good to me. and they are always there for me. and it's great. I just wish that my blood, mi familia, were a part of my life, but they are not and refuse to be. So it is me, the lonely Jonny C. Current Mood: rejected Current Music: Lauryn Hill Unplugged (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
4:42 pm	Oy vay! My life.... My life is very interesting. There are so many things that are good in my life and there are some things that are not so well. I have a great job. I may work with people that I am not fond of, but I love doing what I do. And if only I could show you the faces of these customers that truly appreciate what I do for them. They show such gratitude. THAT's why I stay there. That's why l love doing what I do. It gives me a sense of importance, knowing that I affect these people's lives when I know little to nothing about them. I am in school. Um, school is okay. I only hate two things about school. My work load and my classes, except for one. My workload is crazy and classes are so lame. All this general education bullshit is killing me. I just wanna start learning about my career. The class that I still like is Macroeconomics. That teacher is absolutely freaking hilarious. And he is honest and not subtle about it. He not only teaches economics but teaches about life. I have absolutely amazing friends. Ariel who is first and foremost my very best friend. He has been there for me in ways that no one else has ever been. We met at the community center almost four years ago. We met at a meeting. The next day he saw me waiting at a bus stop and took me to the community center and we talked and hit it off right away. He is so funny. He loves to learn everything he can get his hands on. Then, he loves sharing the information he learned with you. He is so caring. He is always helping me to become successful. Whether it's work, school, family life; he just wants me to overcome every obstacle and endeavor I commit to and crush it. He and I also have two things in common. Food and Porn. God. I love both of those things and so does he. He just wants to make sure everyone is ok and that they are taken care of. He would give the world to a stranger. I love him to death. Because he's my first. Best friend. Don't get it twisted. lol Next on the list is Daniel. Daniel is definately the one who challenges me. He is probably the smartest person I know. He is so cultured and honestly, if I ask him a question, he knows the answer to it. And he always puts things in a perspective that you never would of thought of. But his personality is like his way of thinking, manifold. If you look at him from another angle, he is completely different. He destroys himself for no reason. He never wants to deal with his problems so he "tries not to think about them" by partaking in unhealthy, recreational activities. But all it does is create more problems and try ignore those too. It is through him I have learned the limits of my friend ship. There basically is no limit. I love him to the very freaking end. I would do anything for him. Absolutely anything for him, Ariel, and Joey. Joey is the new addition to my group of friends. I met him last year through a friend. And we sort of hit it off from there. We hung out through friends before started hanging out with each other. Joey, as well as Daniel, share my love of video games. Joey and I will play video games till there is no tomorrow. He always kicks my ass because he a million times better than me at getting the hang of video games. He has opened my eyes to many things. One of them being, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. ( or Buffet the Vampire Layer, lol) I used to hate Buffy. But since we've been watching it I have tolerated it. And I can honestly say that I am not a fan, but I will enjoy it until we finish the series. I prefer Angel, which I never watched until I met him. Joey is the friend that tells it like it is. Granted my other friends don't lie to me, but through his life and helping me with mine, I've learned how to choose battles and learned when it's ok to let it go, and when is the time to fight. He is so strong already, and everyday he tries to get stronger, and I only wish he knew how strong he is right now. I love him like crazy too. I also have a wonderful family. My mother is an amazing women. Passionate, strong, and overall caring. My brother is a funny guy. He always makes thing lighter than what they usually are. It helps me enjoy life. He is supersmart too. But. here's the bad news... I feel like my relationship with my family is like 50/50. They tell me about their lives everyday. They use me for my stereotypical gay traits. Making them and the house look pretty, choice of music, advice ( cause you know male psycologists are always secretly gay). I mean, everything. But, they don't accept it as a part of me. It's like my life doesn;t matter. My mom always tells me how she never wants to hear about my life when she prompts me about it. Then, my brother always makes these facetious gestures of him vomitting whenever I mention a boy or one of my friends. I feel like I don't even have a home because they don't accept that part of me, so they don't accept me. I feel like I don't have a home, I only have a place to stay. I don't know what to do. Then I create such a horrible mess for myself. I don't know how to control my money, or what I eat. All I want to do is save money and lose weight. Is that so much to ask for? I hope something changes soon. Peace out thanx for reading if you made it to the bottom. lol love ya mean it!!!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2006
4:12 pm	I was inspired by a poetry slam. Tuesday, Nov. 11/28 I went to this poetry slam in a restaurant called DaDa's, and can I just say, it was fucking amazuhzing!!!! (a touch of my friend joey) I was so inspired because everybody memorized everything they read, or atleast the people that were amazing. And what they said was so inspiring, exactly what they were feeling. When I write, I do write what I feel. But it is more like what i sound like I feel as opposed to what it really is. I Trie to use dramatic imagery that described how I felt but sometimes it just wasn't what I felt. One person, in particular, called herself Chunky. I was talking with her and she told me that she wrote exactly what she felt and didn't try to be fancy with what she felt. Which is what I did. Granted there is imagery, and metaphors, and similies. But stuff that describes who YOU are. Not what sounds good. Which is what I learned. That night I was up till three in the morning writing this new poem. It's really cool but you're gonna have to read it in my next post because I am between classes and hungry as hell. So I am gonna get lunch. Peace out. Thanks for reading!!! Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
11:51 pm	What Does It Mean? IT's not who I am, just who I kiss Don't dare even say, that IT's false bliss IT doesn't mean I have random sex With every person I see next IT doesn't mean I'll do anything for cash to sit in a crack house and roll up some hash IT doesn't mean I chant or yell in parades IT doesn't mean I have to have AIDS Or Herpes or Hepatitis, or HIV All I want is for the world to accept me IT doesn't mean I want the world to be the same I just don't want IT to fill me with so much shame IT doesn't mean I am athiest or pagan IT certainly doesn't mean I worship Satan IT doesn't make me sinful or weak IT's just another part of me that makes me unique I guess your wondering, "What does IT mean?" IT means I love differently; no need to whine Love doesn't care about what form it takes As long as it is received with an open mind IT means I give affection in a different form And you call me queer, you're right, I am different from the norm Everybody has his or her own identity But I don't mean I deprive them of their right to equality IT means the fragmenting and hostility needs to cease So the present and posterity can live in harmony and peace IT means I want to be able to show my pride Without my self-esteem drowning inside IT means I still have a voice, the right to be heard If you think I don't, That's very absurd If you are still wondering, I'll say it one more time So try to decipher IT in this final rhyme "Without all of the toil and strife, I still have the right to live my life." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:49 pm	The Battlefield As I am on my way home I think I am entering a war And the fact that I think like that Hurts my heart to the core The street is the water Before I reach my home Which in this instance Is the battle dome As I walk up my driveway The dome’s shore I enter the danger zone As I open the door Suddenly, I traverse through the dome Inconspicuously Taking out every target And enemy While finding a secret route I snipe my targets from far away So I won’t be discovered The fact that I am gay Targets like discussions On government and religion Or changing the channel To minimize their suspicion And if I do come out And achieve my goal I may win the battle But lose the war as a whole (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:18 pm	Rant of Food "I'm not ugly... Why can't you understand?... You don't trust me?... Don't you love me?... Ow... this hurts." I'm hungry. I need to eat something. I'm gonna die. I need to eat. I need FOOD! let me go to the kitchen. where are they? I need them. The calories, the cholestoral, the sugars, the sodium, the fats, the carbs... GIVE THEM TO ME! Diet? Eww.... I want the real stuff Lowfat? NO! I want it, I need it. Low carb? Yuck! The more the merrier. oh, a snack. mmmm... this is so good. It's so rich and delicious. Ooh... I feel better already. Vegetables? Gross! Fruit? Gag! I don't want any Vitamin D, or B12, or C!!! I want the saturated fat, the grease, the starch. It's the effervescence of my soul. Bread? yes. Pasta? oh yea. cookies, candy, chips? Keep 'em comin'... I'm just getting started. The kitchen is my temple and the the refrigarator is the temple god, where I hurry to receive my blessings. Phew! that was good. It was so much! But I want more. There's nothing else. It's all gone? Oh well... I guess this will have to do. ... ugh... I feel kinda sick. My stomache is crying harder than it did before. My heart hurts even more now. I feel it in my thoat.. ugh... Why did I do that? Darn it! When will I stop? sniffle.. I need a tissue... Where's my c.d.? ah, here it is. That's better. let me... close the door... I don't want anyone to hear me or see me... Where's my pillow? my bear? ... there they are... I need to lay down. Goodbye world. See ya tomorrow. Hope you day was better than mine. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
11:08 pm	Rainbow As I wait for this day I itch in anticipation. The day that I release all of my frustration. I will no longer wear that horrendous mask. Because all of my lies would be creeping in the past. I envisage becoming an unbound dove. Because I can show everyone who I truly love. Freedom is what I will procure. And then, show whose love I want to endure. Everyone has yet to understand, who I really and truly am. The pristine person I have grown up to be. The person I like to call "ME" The treasure chest inside my heart waits to be opened. And it will when its time for that special moment. When my secrect finally bursts out of me, and says: "You've done it, you set me free!" Because for a rainbow you need sunshine after the rain. Which means you'll have happy days, after days filled with pain. However, I don't worry because when I look towards the sky, I see a rainbow that shines, A rainbow that's mine (Comment on this)
10:59 pm	Pride Pride, Pride, Pride I show it with no fear inside From the start of red, to the end of Indigo I show the colors of my rainbow As I clap my hands and stomp my feet I show my pride with every beat While I chant to make sure my voice is heard Pouring my soul into every word And I pour my blood, sweat, laughs, tears And I pour my doubts, hopes, dreams, and fears Because I'm going to do whatever I can To make this wold safer for every girl and man Pride, Pride, Pride, Pumping in my heart, No one will ever tear it apart The Pride that exists inside of me The Pride that will exist for eternity Everytime I look towards the sky above I see unfettered rainbows, extending their arms of love This love is what sustains me through the day This love prevents my pride from going astray Pride, Pride, Pride No one will ever take my Pride Because that is what fuels me inside (Comment on this)
10:22 pm	My Secret Incessantly I weep with the dead black sky As the tears are shed, they are asking me why "Why do you release me into a world full of hate" They realize they have no choice, they can't escape fate As I weep, I am on bended knee I ask, "Why me? Why Me? Is this my destiny?" For there's a secret I don't have the audacity to tell Because the rest of my days will be cursed with a spell I feel like an immaculate eagle with broken wings Or a precious nightingale who cannot sing I feel like a turtle without its shell I feel like a toddler who's hurt, because he tripped and fell But I must tell them because I can't pretend However our foundation will come to an end I will feel like dolphin with a broken fin Because these people consider my secret to be a sin If these people discovered my secret I would lose my light Because my soul will become as dark as night My secret yells, "Why can't you set my free?" I reply, "For I know what you'll do to me." For now my secret is locked away Inside my heart where it will stay Until that one and special day To these people- my secret- I must say However, I know this day will cause great strife When these people discover my secret.... these people, who gave me life It will be like stabbing them in the heart with a knife, But it's how I want to spend the rest of my life (Comment on this)
10:16 pm	Light of Reality As I wake up, I roll out of bed to shut off my alarm clock. My room is so dark I can’t see a thing. So, I find my way to my window and open the blinds. Suddenly, rays of sunshine burst through my window. As my cold body becomes overwhelmed by the inviting warmth of the sun, my eyes, still heavy, reject the light of reality and shut away the world. They want to close again, because that is when I dream of you. That is when I see happiness. I see myself lying in bed with you beside me. I am a prisoner to your sweet embrace. As you caress my skin, I feel a love that is irrefutable. Next, I turn and see your beautiful green eyes as they sparkle like emeralds. I am lost in your world, feeling your soul, learning your fears, dreaming your hopes, and reaching for your aspirations. Then, I run my fingers through your thick, soft black hair, and I feel your lips, so smooth. Then, I am lost in your translation of love, touched by your expression of affection. I surrender to you. I succumb to your heart and let your mind, body, and spirit intertwine with mine. And the flame of our love becomes bigger, stronger, hotter, and more intense. Finally it explodes. Alas, the fire is dim again, soft; providing enough light for our world. Suddenly, I am awakened by the cry of my alarm clock. As the sweat runs down my face, my heart beats fast and my whole body pulsates. I roll out of bed to shut off my alarm clock. My room is so dark I can’t see a thing. So I find my way to my window and open the blinds. Suddenly, rays of sunshine burst through the window. My cold body becomes overwhelmed by the inviting warmth of the sun, my eyes, still heavy try to accept the light of reality (Comment on this)
10:09 pm	Have You Seen The Wizard of Oz? Have you seen the Wizard of Oz? I'm not from around here and I think I'm lost I've been told of his wonders everytime I say his name He helped my friend Dorothy, and I hope for me, he'll do the same Sometimes I wish I was the lion and be very afraid then I wouldn't participate in this masquerade of love, and wouldn't dare to dream or try or dare to wish or dare to fly Or even the scarerow and have no brain then I wouldn't how it feels to be insane Because like they say, "ignorance is bliss" But I'm not happy that I haven't gotten true love's kiss Or even the tin man and have no heart then it wouldn't be torn apart then I wouldn't feel the pain from being alone and I could live my life on my own I'm a friend of Dorothy's if you know what I mean Just like her, I'm looking for a place serene. Maybe it's somewhere over the rainbow, up above If I can find out how to get there, I might find love So have you seen the Wizard of Oz? (Comment on this)
10:04 pm	Elements of your Love It perplexes me how the elements of your love inspire me, yet shame me too. Your love is like fire, burning with my soul, and you contain the alabastor box filled with your blood that is the oil to our flame. Yet, you burn me with your words, leaving scars that will never fade, and smoking my eyes creating tears because of a pain that will never dwindle. Your love is like the wind. It caresses my skin and cools me. Your breeze is a zephyr wind creating an abyss of bliss, giving me a feeling that is most sublime. Yet, your winds are so gale that they push me and blow me away, not letting me come closer to your heart, to your true identity. Your love is like water, it replenishes my weary soul and quenches my thirst. Yet, like a well, I have to search for your love in the deepest and darkest depths of your soul; and like a tsunami, you crash down on me destroying my soul and making me drown in your love. Your love is like the earth, I am astounded by your many wonders. How everything works together for the progression of the present and posterity, just as you do. Yet, you change like the patterns of the seasons and stone me with your inconsistent character. Your love shames me so, because pain and humiliation keeps playing my name. Yet it inspires me to keep searching and keep hoping that one day I will be fulfilled and content. (Comment on this)
10:03 pm	For A Thousand Nights For a thousand nights I've slept alone without anyone to hold For a thousand nights My body shivered because my heart is cold For a thousand nights I've been hoping to one day have my chance For a thousand nights All I've wanted is to have a little romance For a thousand nights I've looked in the mirror, and all I feel is shame Because for a thousand nights I've never known love, because loneliness draws my name For a thousand nights I've wished upon a thousand stars to one day fall in love But it seems I'll have to wish upon a thousand more, before I get my gift from above (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:01 pm	Naked Naked I’m naked, my true skin is revealed Because there is a secret I no longer conceal The coldness from your heart causes my body to shiver And the pain you create, causes my lips to quiver Preventing me from saying, what I need to say But as the tears run down, I will try anyway… “How… could… you…?” How could you treat me this way? Is this the price that I must pay? Pain for honesty and immunity for lies You’re blind to my tears and deaf to my cries What hurts me the most is your constant rejection, Of my plea to you, for love and affection Cause when I look for the shoulder that I used to lean on I take a look, and notice you’re gone As I lay in bed crying, hoping, someday you’ll understand That this is not who I want to be, just who I am ** I wrote this the day after I came out to my mom the summer of 2004. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:00 pm	circle of friends Nothing's better than Having a circle of friend's They're God's best blessing. (Comment on this)
9:56 pm	my friends inspire me.... so, I am really starting to enjoy the internet again. Because there are all these cool things like myspace and lj and aim. But recently someone new has come into my life. her name is ashley. She is so cute and so adorable. I tell her everyday how much I worship her. She is just such a strong person and she writes poetry; which is what I used to do. Ever since she has come into my life. She, and my friend Joey, have inspired me to write again. I used to always write when I was sad. But then I realized I don't have to be sad to write. It could be when I am happy too. I uncovered all of my old poem. all like ten of them. I posted each one as an entry. If you read them I hope you like them. You can comment on them if you like. Current Mood: awake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
10:48 pm	unappreciated Recently i've been feeling really unappreciated lately.A couple of my friends have not been calling me at all and hanging out with people doing things not appropriate or even legal for that matter. My mom didn't really piss me off but she got me a little upset. I asked her for money to fix me car and to help me pay for school. That's because I knew I was going to pay her back because I was getting financial aid. Well, I was giving her the three 300 hundred dollars a month until the money came in. I only made one payment because the check came in quicker than I thought. I only owed my mother 1700 dollars. I gave her the whole 2000 that financial aid was giving me, plus the three hundred on top of that. So I asked her for some of it back. Only three hundred, and she said not to ask her for money again because I was some kinda crook.My brother borrows money from her all of the time. He has not payed back one penny. I pay her back and she calls me a conartist. Also my job is treating me like shit. I went on my lunch break on friday and comeback having to put away clothes. I see that a coworker of mine Devin, is helping a customer. With the way my job works, we have specific roles and devin is specifically supposed to put away clothes and I am supposed to sell to customers. Well devin is helping this customer and he isn't a stellar seller like I am and he admits it. He checks if they need anything and that's it, he doesn't try to add on or anything but I do. So I started helping her and my manager tells devin that he should have stayed with the customer because now I was gonna steal it. First off, we don't work by commission, secondly, Devin didn't even want to help them. Before I helped her, she was deciding whether to get a bag or clothes. Well, I convinced her to do both, and when she said because she was buying the bag she had to buy less clothes, I still got her to buy all the clothes I gave her. Then on saturday some girl that is new said the same thing to me about stealing her customer. She wasn't even helping them, they came up to me and asked me for help. What am I supposed to do? say no?! and they talk to me like I am a kid and they don't help me out. When I am helping all these customers they should be following their roles and putting clothes away for me. But no, they tell me that I am lazy. Well lazy doesn't sell four thousand dollars out of a six thousand dollar day. that's right, I sold four thousand dollars alone. With no one's help. I know it's my job, but they don't even respect me, and then they want me to help train new people because I am so good. Sometimes I just wanna give them the finger, tell them to go to hell, and quit. Whatever, I know one day I will have to leave, and they are going to miss me and what I do. I know it sounds cocky, but no one can do what I can do. And the managers tell me that, but then don't allow me to do my job. They just want my skills and labor. I hate companies. I think it's just my managment. I need a change, atleast I go on vacation in a week for a week. thanks for reading Best Wishes everyone... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
11:59 am	First Journal Entry Well, this is officially my first journal entry ever. I never kept a journal when I was a kid. But my friend Joey said that I should start a lj and I decided that I should too. Sometimes people ask how you feel and you really don't wanna talk about it. But atleast if you want them to know they can come here and read about it. Well, my first entry should really just be about an issue that I've dealt with and really don't think about that much because I distract myself. My Father. RIP. He died February of 05, and ever since then, family life has been so crazy. He was sick for a couple of years, so we wanted his death because we didn't want him to suffer anymore. Without him here life seems so weird. I always went to my dad whenever I was going through some stuff and needed to talk. I know I have my friends but it's not the same. He knew me in a way that know one else did. Of course it was because he was my father. We had a connection where if I was feeling something, I didn't even have to tell him. I could just look at him and he knew what I was feeling. I guess what kills me is that I never came out to him. He knew, I know he did, because he has found stuff in my room and I would find it in his room. And I heard him and my mom talk about it one day but only for a split second. I never knew how he really truly felt. I mean I know he loved me, but my regret is that he died and I didn't know how HE truly felt. I knew that he didn't like it because he and my mom are like huge bible thumpers. But sometimes I wonder if he died being mad at me. Because even though my father was more understanding than my mom, he was definitely more sensitive. Since he's left, my brother is an emotional mess, my mother is an emotional mess also, and so incredibley lonely, and me, well, I get by, but it's not the same. It hurts when people ask me if I live at home with my mom and dad, and tell them that I only live with my mother now. I don't wish him back. Or wish he was here because the good parts of my life are the way they are now because he died, but it wouldn't be a bad idea if he were here... again. Thanks for reading. Best Wishes to everyone. Current Mood: aggravated (1 Comment |Comment on this)